Thursday, March 31, 2011

Homesick


Really, I am. And I think the homesickness I am experiencing is of a different breed than the other ones I've experienced in my life. I think the core of my homesickness ironically stems from being in a country where I was born. It's funny because I speak the language, I can read the signs and everyone around me looks like me. But I don't feel like I quite belong here--I feel like a foreigner. Korean people who know me like my co-workers don't regard me as a "real" Korean even though we are good friends. And I don't completely understand the way they think or even if I do, I don't necessarily agree with those thoughts that are deeply entrenched in Confucian philosophy. I feel more like a minority here than when I was in the States. Even though I was a racial minority, I understood the culture and the American way of thinking. In Korea, I am part of the racial hegemony, but I feel like a small Korean island with a half-mast American flag pathetically mounted by my side.

Trying to belong in Korea has been like trying to match a square piece of wood into the indent of a triangle. Being ethnically Korean, I feel like I should feel at home here but since I don't, I feel a bit betrayed by the reality. I have learned a lot about the Korean culture, history and people and I am very grateful and delighted to have the opportunity to learn but I didn't expect to feel this way. Maybe I should just stop running my square piece into the triangle hole hoping it would fit someday. I think I just need to be okay with me being me and accept my reality. Just wish it could that easy.

3 comments:

  1. My wife was Korean, raised in Japan, and then living with me in the U.S. The first time we went to Japan together, I was the foreigner. The second time, we were both foreigners. I am third-generation Swedish, born in the U.S. I think once you are bi-cultural, you are never quite at home in a mono-cultural setting. There is always some critical distance, and you always see both more and less than the natives. You learn to live in trans-cultural space, and find happiness there.

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  2. This bi-cultural thing is like a constant buzz of a fly around my face that never goes away. Sometimes it rests on my head so I forget about it, but once I start going about my business, it'll start buzzing around again. I am emotionally spent living in Korea. I think my time is up.

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  3. That sounds serious! It does seem to me that Koreans, more than most peoples, try to turn other people into Koreans, or better Koreans. My wife's auntie even tried to make me behave like a Korean son-in-law, and from her point of view, this was acceptance. I tried to see it that way. But when you return to the U.S., this country will seem strange too. Your last line about just accepting being yourself is very important. Take care!

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