Say Goodbye to Anxiety Forever

I experience anxiety intermittently throughout the day. I have good days and not-so-good days, but a few days ago, I discovered a really effective antidote to anxiety. Drum roll please~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The cure for anxiety is: gratitude! Before you roll your eyes and say, “Oh, I’ve heard that before. Gratitude doesn’t really work for me,” hear me out, because I used to be one of those people who thought gratitude was overrated.

I was listening to the Hay House radio on Saturday and learned of a Harvard-trained, medical scientist named Joan Borysenko. She spoke about how we can create a neural circuit of gratitude in our brain by practicing the feeling of gratitude everyday. I am sure we all have done something like keeping a gratitude journal or listing on Facebook the three things we were grateful for that day. I kept a gratitude list using an app on my phone and wrote down 3-4 things everyday for about a couple of months.

The result? Nothing. I didn’t feel any more grateful than I was two months ago.

Then, Dr. Borysenko said something that made a light bulb go off in my head. She said in order to create and strengthen the neural circuit of gratitude, we have to infuse it with the true feeling of gratitude—not just with thoughts about what weshould be grateful for—and strengthen it with daily practice. That’s when I realized why the gratitude app didn’t work for me; the practice was just a chore, something I needed to check off before the end of the day.

After listening to her on the radio, I immediately sat down and thought of one thing I was deeply, truly grateful for. I had attended an event to commemorate Korean War veterans earlier that day, and as I watched the footage of the war, I felt a heartfelt thanks to those who had sacrificed their lives while fighting in the war. So, I said to my self, “I am deeply grateful for the veterans,” and repeated for several minutes while feeling the feeling of gratitude.

Amazingly, when I awoke the next morning, instead of anxiety rising up with the thought of what I needed to do that day, I felt grateful. I was grateful that I was given another day, another chance to be better. So, I took advantage of that feeling and stayed with it for a few minutes, creating a momentum and strengthening my neural circuit. It’s only been a few days, but I already feel better. Whenever anxiety rises, I look for something to be deeply grateful for and give my thanks.

I realized that in order to weaken my habitual feeling of anxiety (or whatever negative emotion ails you), I needed to let its neural circuit wither by not reinforcing it. And to do that, I needed to divert my energy to something else—in this case, to gratitude—before it gains momentum. By deliberately choosing gratitude over anxiety, I can choose my daily reality. This will take time and commitment, but I think it will be a worthwhile investment.

So, I will let you know how this goes. Better yet, you can try it with me, and tell me how it went for you! I will keep you posted!

Love Marriage: Me and Myself

Two years ago, I embarked on an intense spiritual journey that included leaving the religion I was brought up in, mustering up the courage to pursue my dream, and healing from my past. Although I have much more work to do, I have experienced a monumental shift in the way I look at life. I’ve learned many lessons along the way, but as I look back on the journey, I keep coming back to this one truth: everything I want and need are in the present moment. This deceptively simple truth aligns me to a power greater than myself, as it allows me to become more receptive to inspiration, miracles, and love.

So, what I strive for these days is not so much how many gigs I land, or how much money I make, but how aligned I feel with God, the Universe, the Infinite. I have learned that one of the most important lessons we can learn in this life is to learn how to receive God’s unconditional love, which is the same thing as loving ourselves unconditionally. This also means forgiving ourselves over and over and over again for not measuring up and falling off the wagon. When I realized this, I changed my internal dialogue from, “Oh, you are feeling anxious again! When will you learn that fear is only an illusion!” to “I love you even though you are feeling anxious.” These loving, forgiving thoughts have changed my internal state completely. I have learned that when we feed our negative emotion with resistance and self-judgment, we strengthen the very negative emotion we are trying to eradicate, creating more resistance and becoming enslaved to the vicious cycle. But when we step out of the cycle, we feel whole.

Now, I gauge my daily success based on these two questions: How do I feel about myself, and do I feel grateful? I know I am off God’s grid if I am experiencing fear and anxiety and judging myself for feeling that way. But when I am aligned with God, I experience internal abundance, and love and gratitude flow easily. And from this place, I receive guidance to navigate the seemingly complicated labyrinth of life. But in moments of clarity, I know that each step is a destination and in each moment, I am standing on holy ground.

Meaning of Meaning

I must have written 3 or 4 different versions of this post and virtually ripped the pages out of the screen, scrunched them and threw them on the floor. I've been trying to articulate what I have been feeling the last couple of months about life. The problem with that is I think too much in circles and paralyze myself. The perennial questions that tailgate every endeavor I undertake are: What is the meaning of this? How does this enhance the meaning of my life? And eventually, what at first looked like an endeavor that seemed meaning-enhancing turns out to be just another illusion. So, I have been asking myself, what really is meaningful? What am I looking for? What do I want out of life?

The easy answer is happiness. We all want to be happy. But it gets more complicated when we start asking ourselves what brings us lasting happiness. Buddhist philosophy tells us it is non-attachment and finding the quiet constant behind the loud variables of perceived reality are what bring us true happiness. I think that's true: finding joy in being. When I get quiet and feel my heartbeat, I am grateful for the life I have been given. There is a lot to be thankful for. But we are meant to do more than just breathe and let our hearts beat and be grateful for our lives although I think that's a good place to start. Maybe it's because I don't fully understand Buddhist philosophy, but if I am just happy in being, I would be the laziest person on earth. I gotta do something!

My biggest fear is that at the end of my life, I would look back and wonder what my life could have been if I were courageous. I am afraid of not utilizing and cultivating my talents and dying in regret. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so artistically inclined and instead liked blood and guts so I could be a doctor. (At least if I tried hard enough, there would be an end in sight. And a job!) Trying to "make it" in the arts is difficult. It's tempting to sell out for the sake of convenience and comfort. But I know at the end of the day, I would be miserable knowing I am not living the life I want to live. The flip side of doing what I want to do, however, is terrifying. Uncertainty abounds. I have to plow though a labyrinth of obstacles not knowing when it's going to end. Call it a gift or a curse--even with the odds highly stacked against me, I can't back down. I've gotta try.

Maybe it's because of my dedication to developing my talents (and its attachment of purpose and meaning to my existence), many important things take secondary place in my life like marriage and family. Maybe it's because I grew up in a broken home that I don't have this earnest desire to be a wife and mother to someone. But there are many moments when I feel lonely and long for a companion that I could rely on when things get tough. If there is a man with whom I can feel at home and accepted despite my failures, I think I would be open to marrying him. And maybe, I may even feel encouraged to try without the fear of failure and judgement. Then, he would become meaningful to me. He would be congruous with my life's purpose rather than intrusional. The hardest part would be to let go of my pride and let him see all the imperfections. Ah, the useless pride... And kids--I have no idea how they are going to fit into my life's purpose. I like kids. I actually love them. I guess I'll have to have them first to see why they mean so much.

So, all this rambling is really meant to clarify one thing for myself: I want to live a meaningful life. And that means living a happy, satisfactory life that allows me to fulfill the measure of my creation. And my creation is full of stuff to give!

Between Here and There: Navigating in No Man's Land

I have been doing some reading and researching to find/define my truth to be more clear about which set of moral codes and existential compass I want to follow to make better sense of life and the universe. This journey has taken me to conclude that all religious institutions are man-made. But I see the need for humans to create institutions for a collective sense of purpose and meaning. I admit that a lot of good comes out of religion and I personally have benefited from being Mormon. But the perks of being Mormon notwithstanding, I have stopped going to Church.

I think the only time I have ever enjoyed going to Church was when I was a missionary a decade ago. And the only reason I enjoyed it then was because I could sit for 3 hours straight without having to plan, teach, knock on doors, or feel guilty for not being a good enough missionary. The only aspect of Church that I enjoyed before and after my mission was a social one. I went to Church to see my friends when I had them. When I didn't, I would go out of habit, obligation and/or the fear of judgement if I didn't go. But I saw how futile my efforts were. I was there only in body. I always checked out mentally as soon as I sat down in Sacrament Meeting.

I stopped going to Church for many reasons. I questioned the truthfulness of the Church. I always had a problem with the Church claiming sole proprietorship of Truth. (This church is the one and only true Church on the face of the earth!) I lost my testimony of the Book of Mormon, Restoration, and Joseph Smith. I didn't feel spiritually fed or nourished in Church meetings. I was annoyed by the teachings in the Church that just regurgitated the simple-minded rhetoric of keep-the-commandments-and-you-will-be-blessed-and-will-prosper-and-be-happy without regarding the complexities and paradox of life's events. I never cared about hearing the testimonies of others about food storage, what they did over the weekend, how much someone loved somebody in fast and testimony meetings. But I cared about how mind-numbingly boring all the meetings were. Eventually, Church ceased to be meaningful to me.

Curiously, or perhaps not so curiously, I am still emotionally attached to the Mormon Church and being a Mormon. I was born and raised in the Church. Even though I was inactive for many years in my youth, Mormonism was my first religious language that articulated my metaphysical cosmos. It gave me a God that I relied on when life got sad and painful. It told me there was hope when misery abounded. It taught me how to pray. It taught me to be kind. It became my culture, my family's culture. It became my identity.

So, even though I left the Church physically and intellectually, I still have a soft spot for Mormonism. And if I find a good ward, I might even return but on my own terms: without a testimony of the Restoration but with respect for an institution that promotes good things.

In Search for Truth...

I have always been fascinated by the universe and how it operates. I think about Truth and what that might look like if I ever got a glimpse of it. I also try to fathom the eternal scheme of things from the perspective of an omniscient being. The imagination is, of course, based on perhaps the arrogant premise that my mind could conceive something so grandiose as omniscience. But my "omniscience" is tamed by a dose of compassion and grace for those who see Truth differently--after all, knowing everything perfectly would incite the most proper emotions for those who disagree. Whether people are defending their own truths, their pride, or identity, they feel fully justified in asserting their beliefs and opinions as the right ones. Perhaps, I am not so arrogant in asserting this imagined omniscience. Maybe we all operate within our own cosmos of omniscience however hallucinatory it is.

I have been thinking about this a lot lately. What is true and what is not? And how does my construction of the cosmos affect the belief system I adhere to? How does this affect my integrity and happiness? I have been grappling with these thoughts a lot. I may have something more insightful to say in a couple of weeks or so after some more thinking and reading. Life is a never-ending enigma...

Self-Acceptance Day 46 (or something like that)

Okay. I fell off the wagon. But this whole self-acceptance thing has really increased my awareness about my self-perception. Through this process, I've learned many things about myself but the one lesson that stuck with me is that I am already good enough despite my imperfection. And my personal justification for this allowance of imperfection stems from my understanding of the atonement of Jesus Christ. As long as I am "plugged" into the wholeness and the perfectness of Christ, I can feel whole and I can be happy. I can be generous with myself and forgive. Then, it's easier to love and forgive others. Even if one is not a believer in Christianity, one can still benefit from staying in tuned with the Higher Being or Universal Energy or whatever makes sense to him/her.

I hope I continue to remember this. My biggest obstacle is becoming complacent and forgetful. I need to remember, remember and remember before a tragedy befalls to remind me. :)

Self-Acceptance Day 9

My friend Jacob challenged me to a Tetris battle on Facebook yesterday. He was at level 16 and I was at level 1. I hadn't played Tetris since high school so I was very rusty but my pride wouldn't let me say no to a challenge. Of course, I got my butt kicked. I don't know what made me think I could play against him and win. Sometimes, I get very cocky about my abilities to the point of disillusionment and my brain betrays me and slaps me in the face. Now, I owe him a care package.

So, this is my lesson:

"Self-acceptance encourages you to accept your limitations. Without self-acceptance, you see limitations as obstacles; with self-acceptance, you see limitations as opportunities. For example, if you can accept that you aren't strong enough to do something by yourself, an opportunity presents itself for you to receive extra help and inspiration. You free yourself up, see yourself differently and discover a source of strength that is far greater than that of your ego."

Yes, I see it as an opportunity to practice Tetris so I can kick Jacob's ass. And if I don't win this week, I will enlist the help of more online practice games so I can win.

Exercise: Self-acceptance gives you a natural confidence that helps you to cultivate your God-given talents and express the bigness of your heart. Paradoxically, the more you practice your self-acceptance, the less your life is "all about me" and the more you open your heart to the world.

Seriously, I hate losing. It sucks. I have been good at most things I have attempted in my life so facing my underdeveloped talent (like playing Tetris) really gets my goat. But sometimes, I just need to accept it and move on. This is gonna be more of a life-long mission, though. Not gonna master it by the end of my 10th day. Now, I gotta go practice Tetris.

Self-Acceptance Day 8

Today is Buddha's birthday and a national holiday. So, I didn't go to work. I get anxious when I don't have anything to do or have a lot to do and don't want to do any of it. That was sort of the case today. I didn't have any pressing matter that needed immediate attention but had some work that I could have done but didn't want to do. So, I felt anxious. But I caught myself and decided that I wasn't going to do anything productive today and accepted that. You know, accepting something gives you a lot of peace. Resisting something take a lot of energy. And for what? Internal resistance doesn't do anything but wear out our minds. So, why not just decide to accept it if we are not going to change our course?

Today's homework:

Lesson: When you abandon your Unconditioned Self, you go in search of satisfaction in the world around you. The search can be exciting at times, but it does not lead to lasting fulfillment because the searching means you often leave yourself behind. Ironically, it's only when you stop searching that you find yourself and happiness again. True self-acceptance is the realization that you are what you seek. What you are looking for in the world—love, acceptance, joy, peace—are all qualities of your true nature.

The more you accept yourself, the more abundant you will feel. Like attracts like. When you identify with the inherent happiness of your Unconditioned Self, you attract experiences and people that are entirely compatible with how you feel about yourself. As you increase your self-acceptance, you let yourself accept more happiness, love, peace and abundance.

Exercise: The Latin for the word "accept" is "acceptare," which means "to receive, willingly." The more you accept yourself, the better you become at receiving. Live with this thought today: "Happiness is here, because I am here." Another great affirmation is: "Happiness is where I am."

I think that's true. The more accept yourself, the better you become at receiving. I need to learn how to receive.

Self-Acceptance (even with a mullet) Day 7

I know this is supposed be like day 15 but this time I have a really good excuse. I was super busy AND my sister and niece are visiting from the States AND my internet cable was disconnected for several days.

And I got a mullet.

But not on purpose. I wanted to hurl profanities at the hair stylist when I realized what she was doing. But the hair was already cut and she was doing an updo for the concert I had that evening (more on that later) so all I said was "Thank you for all your hard work." It wasn't until after I took a shower that night that I discovered how serious the damage was. #&@*%^$#^@&$%#@&%*$*#@%$!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, I am definitely considering a perm. It's very difficult to accept myself when I look like a pissed-off 80s rock star. I thought this whole self-acceptance program was running very smoothly. Life really does throw in a wrench when things are too easy. I just have to remind myself that I am not my hair and that the real me can handle any hirsute tragedies that fall before me.

On the bright side, my sister and niece are visiting. It's really nice to have my little 3-year old niece around. She sits on the toilet while I am in the shower and sings for me and stands next to me and plays makeup with cotton swabs and pads when I am getting ready in the morning. She draws me pictures and gives me tons of hugs and kisses. She really makes me want to have a little girl.

Another highlight of the weekend was the concert I was in. I sang the soprano solo of Mozart's Requiem. I hadn't performed with an orchestra close to two years and I realized how much I missed singing and how happy I am when I am performing. We have the same concert on June 6 so I am very excited to sing again.

So, today's homework is:

Lesson: Self-acceptance is your home. It is where you return to find yourself again. When self-acceptance is low, you experience a ceaseless anxiety that causes you to doubt yourself, to be indecisive, to wobble, to question everything and to play safe. You search outside yourself for validation, approval and authority. Self-acceptance helps you increase your overall trust in life. The more you accept yourself, the more you trust your innate goodness, wise heart and natural intuition.

Exercise: The more you accept yourself, the more you trust that life doesn't just happen to you; it happens for you. Decide to trust in yourself today. Commit 100 percent of your trust to this and see what happens.

Okay. I will do that. I will trust myself and accept whatever consequences that may come my way. I mean life does go on whether I do or not so why not just roll with the punches? The mullet didn't happen to me; it happened *for* me. Thank you, Mullet, for helping me awaken to my true self and giving me an opportunity to love myself unconditionally despite your hideous look.

Self-Acceptance Day 4

A friend pointed out that when he first met me, he thought I was already dating somebody because I seemed guarded and seemed to shout "This girl is taken! Stay away!" with my eyes and body language. He advised that instead of putting up walls, I should broadcast openness, warmth, enthusiasm and energy and just BE ME. Which! happens to really fit into this whole self-acceptance program I am on. What a concept! Just be me and be comfortable even around strangers, which can be very difficult for me sometimes. So, tomorrow, I am going to church and broadcast ME! I'll tell you how it goes.

Today's exercise:

"So often, self-improvement is full of musts, oughts and shoulds. For example, you must buy these jeans or your butt isn't going to look very good. You ought to get eight hours of sleep every night. You should really be more like your overworked, aggressive boss if you are ever going to get ahead at the office. The essence of who you are is already inspiration-packed, wisdom-infused and blessed with talents and gifts. You don't need to build a successful image of yourself. You are already good enough. What would happen if you stopped should-ing on yourself? Can you see that the real you is far better than the one you're trying to sell to world?"

Yes! It's truly amazing to realize that I AM already good enough--all I have to do is let the goodness flow out. Yeah! Go ME!

Self-Acceptance: Day 3

Today is really supposed to be Day 4 since I didn't blog yesterday, but my friend Maureen is back from traveling in South East Asia for 2 months so we stayed up late catching up.

Since starting this self-acceptance program, I have become much more aware of my thoughts and am able to catch myself when I am criticizing, or complaining about myself or others. Then, instead of feeling guilty about it, I decided to accept the fact that I did it, tried to forgive myself. I think for a long time, I was mad at myself for not being perfect. Well, I still am. But I am learning to be OK with it.

Today's exercise:


"Self-acceptance is love, and your capacity to love yourself determines your capacity to love everyone else. The less you accept yourself, the more you will criticize your friends."

"Try this affirmation today: "I see myself through the eyes of love." If you are like most people, you know exactly what you don't love about yourself, but you're vague and uncertain about the ways that you do love yourself. For example, you could easily write a list of the things you don't like about your body, including the cellulite on your thighs, the size of your feet or the number on the scale, but could you write a list of all the ways you do love yourself? When you see yourself through the eyes of love, everyone in your life will benefit. If your mother had taken better care of herself, would your childhood have been any better? While you can't go back into your past, you can begin to nurture yourself now."

I remember looking at people through the "eyes of love" when I was on my mission. I prayed for the ability and it came. It was so much easier to love and understand others. Maybe I should start praying for the ability to love myself and to see myself the way God sees me. That would make it easier.

Self-Acceptance: Day 2

"Lesson: Self-acceptance teaches you that you are not who you think you are. You are able to discern between your ego and your Unconditioned Self. Early on, children start to construct a persona to help cope with the demands of being in a family, going to school and facing the world. On close inspection, you find that your persona or ego is made up of judgments about who you are, what is possible, what you deserve and what you don't. These judgments become the lens through which you see yourself and the world."

"[The perfectionist] type focuses on getting things right and being good. It conceives an ideal self (rather than a real self) that has high standards and stringent rules you must try to live up to. Your persona judges your efforts, and the more you judge yourself, the more you move out of alignment with the innate goodness of your Unconditioned Self."

Today was not a perfect day. My ego got a good beating *twice*. I didn't do everything I needed to get done. And I cussed (even though it was only on chat and not to the person). Usually my internal default alarm would go off about how I should be a better person and all that jazz. But instead, I tried not to judge and measure my goodness. I Am. And that should be good enough. It sure didn't feel that way, though. So, instead of feeling guilty about feeling guilty, I just let myself feel guilty and accepted that I felt guilty. And then it slowly went away. :) It's a big blow to my ego, but I am trying to be okay with living an imperfect life. It's a hard pill to swallow.

Self-Acceptance: Day 1

How Self-Acceptance Can Crack Open Your Life
A Radical 10-Day Plan to Accept Who You Really Are

I discovered a post bearing this title on oprah.com a few days ago. Sounds like a gimmick, doesn't it? Well, it is. If people really are able to accept themselves in only 10 days, the world will be a much nicer place. However, despite my initial skepticism, I read on just out of curiosity. This was the lesson for day one:

"Lesson: The journey of self-acceptance starts when you acknowledge that you don't seem to know much about yourself. Your personality, or ego, finds it difficult to answer questions like "Who am I?" and "What do I want?" Being asked to describe yourself at a job interview or for a dating agency profile, for instance, can feel excruciating and practically impossible because you haven't really been paying attention.

True self-acceptance is motivated by the possibility of knowing what your true essence—the Unconditioned Self—is really like."

After reading this, I was faced with the stark reality that I haven't been happy for a while and didn't know why. My life had been stressful the past several months but life was manageable. Everything is much better now but I seemed to have lost my grip on the rope of happiness. The logical side of me says "Life is fine. The reason you are unhappy is not because there is something wrong with your life but the way you perceive your life. Plus, you are not exercising and your brain is not producing enough endorphins and serotonin." My left brain is probably right. I should exercise and life would feel much better.

But I have also noticed a recent trend in my thinking pattern. Instead of looking for the good things in my life, I seem to look for and dwell on the negative aspects. As a result, I have become more critical, pessimistic, cowardly, and cranky. When I see myself like this, I sink into moments of self-hatred, disappointment, and guilt. I want to like myself again and feel deeply grateful for the blessings in my life such as friends who pay for my vacation, send care packages, and call to cheer me up.

So, I have decided to follow the 10-Day plan to accept who I really am and see where I end up by the end of the 10th day.

This is Day 1.

Exercise: Self-acceptance is the process of befriending the Unconditioned Self—the part of you that is more than just your name, your history, your story, your failures or your successes. You are more than just your experiences or how other people see you or the clothes you wear.

Reflect on this today:

What is most authentic about you?

That I am without guile. I am sincere and genuine in my relationship with others.

What do you want people to really know about you?

That I have a good heart and genuinely care about people.

Who are you without your ego?

(I must clarify that the word ego is not referring to the Freudian ego but to the term often used in spiritual teachings of Eastern religions. According to Wikipedia, spiritual ego is "often associated with mind and the sense of time, which compulsively thinks in order to be assured of its future existence, rather than simply knowing its own self and the present.")

Me without ego is eternal, whole, deeply connected to and at peace with God.
I can tap into this moment of bliss when my mind is not preoccupied with useless worries and doubts about the future. I need to meditate again.

The Christmas Spirit

I have been having a very hard time getting into the Christmas spirit this year. I have been getting less and less excited about Christmas and it's been very sad. I used to feel giddy and happy when I saw Christmas lights and trees. But since I don't feel the "specialness" of the Christmas season anymore, I just planned on letting December pass by without much anticipation.

Then, I went into the rehearsal of Handel's "Messiah" this past weekend. The choir has been rehearsing "Messiah" since September but the choir director let me come in for the last few rehearsals to sing in the performance since I know the music. As I sang about the birth, death and atonement of Christ, I was reminded of what Christmas was truly about. I was trying to induce the excitement of Christmas through Christmas lights, trees, and presents but nothing worked. But when I remembered the true meaning of Christmas and the miraculous birth of Jesus Christ, my heart filled with joy and gratitude. It is through knowing and accepting the atonement of the Savior that I can have everlasting joy and peace.

This is going to be a great Christmas. :)

My Conversion to Buddhism

For two days that is. I went to do a temple stay at a Buddhist temple where people could come and learn about Buddhism and mediate.

Day 1

We first had a tour of the temple and the temple ground.









There were a lot of exchange students who came that day and the interpreter was so nervous to speak English, I ended up doing most of the interpreting.



We had dinner after the tour. We sat on the floor with our bowl and couple of people went around the room to distribute food. We had to eat every tiny morsel of food then wash the bowls with water and a piece of radish and drink the water and eat the radish. We ate/drank everything that was in our bowl.



After dinner, we had tea with the head monk of the temple for a Q & A session.





Around 9:30pm, we all went back to our room (shared by all the females there)and laid out our sleeping blankets on the floor. Lights went out at 10:30pm. The thing about communal sleeping arrangement is that someone is always bound to snore. This night was no exception. I was woken up a few times by a girl whose snoring got progressively more thunder-like as the night deepened. I was woken up again around 3 am feeling very annoyed and irritated. The calm, peaceful, chatter-less mind of the previous night, GONE! I got up and followed the sound of roaring thunder marveling at how she can sleep through the sound of her own snore. After brailling through the floor in the dark, I finally found the culprit. I really wanted to stuff toilet paper down her throat and nostrils but decided against it (after all, I was at a Buddhist temple). Instead, I gently shook her to wake her up so she would stop the damn noise. But she wouldn't wake up! So, I shook her harder, and she still wouldn't wake up. So, I slapped the side of her arm, and she stopped snoring. I crawled back to my blanket and lied down. A few seconds later, the snoring resumed. I wanted to kill myself.

Day 2

We woke up at 4:30 am to get ready for the morning chant, prayer and meditation. We did 108 prostrations to repent for our sins and offer gratitude for our blessings.






After prostrating 108 bows, we sat and meditated until the sun came up.





We had breakfast after and went for a brief hike and meditated some more.





After the dawn and morning meditation I forgot all about the snoring of the previous night and felt at peace. We had some warm tea and Snickers (yes, Snickers) on the mountain and slowly descended down to the temple. The last thing in our itinerary was making lotus blossom lanterns. I gave mine away to a sister missionary and I forgot to take a picture before I gave it to her so you'll have to just rely on my word that it was the most amazing lantern you've ever seen in your life.

The head monk delivered a final remark before we departed as I interpreted in the back of the room.



We said goodbye after 2 days of meditating, praying and friendshipping.

Spiritual Recovery: Day 7, the Finale

Okay, I am late. I am sorry. Yesterday was the Sunday session of district conference. I didn't even try to prevent the boredom from consuming my sanity by telling myself how interesting all these talks are. Like I said, I am mentally allergic to church meetings. Give me their talks in print and I will read it and will probably get much more out of it that way. I am a reader, not much of a talk-listener. But I will try next time to really hearken unto their voices without drifting into the la-la land. Next time.

I am making sincere prayer and meditation a part of my nightly routine. It's helping me stay more in tune with God and have peace. It's really lovely to fall asleep in a state of total calm instead of thinking about boogie monsters and ghosts coming in through the windows (yes, I still suffer from these thoughts).

Anyway, here is Matthew Chapter 7.

This is a great chapter. But there was one verse that really captured the essence of my spiritual quest.

21. Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven.

Understanding and doing the will of my Father in heaven have been the epicenter of my philosophical seism. Knowing the will and the workings of God is a tricky thing. It will be a life-long quest but I am on my way to being just a little closer to Truth. Blogging has helped me stay on track for 7 days and it looks like it has created a nice pattern for my spiritual growth.

Even though my 7-day blogging is over, it's only a beginning of my spiritual awakening. So, stay in tune for a better, improved Hannah!

Spiritual Recovery: Day 6

I had friends over last night, which means I really didn't have much time to get all cozy and pray and meditate. They left after midnight but I did pray a sincere prayer although I don't remember much of it. I started to meditate but fell right asleep.

Today was district conference (a smaller version of stake conference). I think I am allergic to church meetings. Or I seem to suffer from ADD as soon as I sit down to hear someone give a talk. I thought about bringing a coloring book next time.

But I tried. Really tried to listen this time without feeling too ansty. And guess what? It helped me ponder about a few things that I have been lingering on my mind for a very long time. How does my practice of meditating and gleaning spiritual advice from Buddhism and Hinduism fit into Mormonism?

It's complicated to explain but I think all religions aim for the same thing and teach the same message in a different way despite their doctrinal differences. As for my allegiance to Mormonism, it has been a product of countless days of mulling over questions that have risen from my ever-inquisive mind. It has been difficult. It still is. How is it possible to fit all the truths of the universe into one religion that is prone to the imperfection of men? It's not. And I am trying to do the best with what I've got with the religion I have accepted as my own.

Anyway, Matthew Chapter 6:

This chapter has the Lord's Prayer in it. I practically sang this in my head. (Malotte's version of Lord's Prayer, just in case you were wondering.)

On top of this, this chapter includes one of my favorites scriptures of all time.

28. Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin.

30.Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith?

31.Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed?

32.(For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things.

33.But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

34.Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.

There was nothing more comforting than to know that your needs will be met as a dirt-poor grad student that I was not even a year ago. But I think this lesson could be applied to our emotional, mental and spiritual needs as well as long as we stay in touch with God. I am coming to believe that God is much nicer than I imagined Him to be.

Spiritual Recovery: Day 5

Last night's prayer was one of the most sincere prayers I have ever offered in a while. There were no residual bitterness, or anger trailing around at the tail of each phrase. Then I meditated again, this time with more ease and less restlessness. Instead of using a mantra, I just tried to become the observing awareness of my own consciousness. I can control my thoughts completely when I am in that state. I felt peace after I emptied my mind of useless, and endless chatters.

I am still reading Elizabeth Gilbert's Eat, Pray, Love and am thinking about joining an ashram myself next summer to practice meditation. I am planning to go to Nepal next summer for about a month before I return to the States to volunteer at an orphanage, so I could probably squeeze in a meditation practice before or after work while I am there. Maybe I'll even swing by India at the end of my trip.

Anyway, I feel like I am on way my to finding lasting peace although I don't know how all of this fits my Mormon faith. That part, I am still working on.

Matthew Chapter 5:

There is a lot in this chapter but ultimately the whole point of this chapter boils down to this last verse.

48. Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.

I read somewhere that the word perfect is a mistranslation for the word whole. Meaning, we don't have to be perfect because that's just impossible in this world, but immerse wholly with God and be perfected in Him. I also take this to mean that we are whole when we feel God's constant presence and our connection to Him.

Meditation has helped me greatly with this. Somebody said prayer is when you are talking to God and meditation is when you listen for God's answers. That sounds about right. Thinking about taking yoga again.

Spiritual Recovery: Day 4

Before I went to bed last night, I tried to quiet the endless chatters of my mind before I offered the most sincere prayer I have given in a very long time. I thanked God for specific blessings I could think of and asked him to protect my family. And I tried to repent for all the bad things I did that day, but I really couldn't think of any except for maybe feeling irritated for being asked to do something I didn't want to do. Then I thought about the "right way" to repent as I have been taught in Sunday School. I have to feel Godly sorrow for my mistakes and have to have a change of heart. Frankly, I did not want to feel Godly sorrow for feeling irritable. Was I supposed to feel guilty about this? I was kind of getting ticked-off at the requirements of repentance. I can have a change of heart and resolve to be more kind in my thoughts but do I really have to beat myself up for it? I don't agree with this. But still, I was in the middle of prayer so I tried to dismiss this argument until the prayer was over. But the residual bitterness stayed as I offered my final words while Skepticism sat in the corner of my mind blowing cigar smoke my way.

Then something good happened. I tried meditating after saying my prayer. I closed my eyes and concentrated on my breathing, and repeated the mantra, Ham-sa, which means "I am That," over and over again until the internal chatters were replaced by a concentrated effort to empty my mind. I am really good at meditating for like 30 seconds. Which fortunately proved to be just enough for that night. I opened my eyes and felt a mist of peace showering down the room. I felt God in that present moment. And it reminded me that God is always there, wherever I am. He is constant in the backdrop of myriad variables of life. All I need to do is knock on the door of the present moment and enter.

I am much happier today. I have decided to not dwell on my past or future. I will try to stay present as much as I can.

Now, Matthew Chapter 4:

Jesus called Peter and Andrew "[a]nd they straightway left their nets, and followed him."

WOW. No "Who are you?," "What's your deal?" or "How can I trust you?" They just followed? I guess that's why Jesus chose fishers to be apostles and not lawyers. Humility is such a hard thing.

I was just thinking the other day about how to boost the level of my faith. In order to trust God, I need to know who God is. I need to know who it is that requires and receives my trust. Who is this God that beckons me to follow Him? And who is a better source than Jesus for me to learn more about God?

"25. And Jesus went about all Galilee, teaching in their synagogues, and preaching the gospel of the kingdom, and healing all manner of sickness and all manner of disease among the people.

24. And his fame went throughout all Syria: and they brought unto him all sick people that were taken with divers diseases and torments, and those which were possessed with devils, and those which were lunatick, and those that had the palsy; and he healed them.

25. And there followed him great multitudes of people from Galilee, and from Decapolis, and from Jerusalem, and from Judaea, and from beyond Jordan."

Jesus was a very nice man so God must be, too.

Spiritual Recovery: Day 3

I went home last night and made myself a sandwich for dinner and turned on "Sleepless in Seattle." About a quarter way through the movie, I fell asleep and woke up again around 9 to get ready for bed and turned off the lights at at 9:30. I thought I would wake up at the crack of dawn since I went to bed so early, but I slept until the alarm went off at 8:20 am.

I have been feeling unusually cranky and irritable these days and I suspect it was due to stress and fatigue.

I feel much better today.

I read Eat, Pray, Love on my way to work. This book is about a woman's journey to Italy, India and Indonesia to experiment with worldly pleasure, spirituality, and to balance the two in respective countries. Elizabeth (the author)is in India right now and she is practicing Yoga-a method of meditation to find God.

She says:

"We're miserable because we think that we are mere individuals, alone with our fears and flaws and resentments and mortality. We wrongly believe that our limited egos constitute our whole entire nature. We have failed to recognize our deeper divine character. We don't realize that, somewhere within us all, there does exist a supreme Self who is eternally at peace. That supreme Self is our true identity, universal and divine. [A] Greek stoic philosopher Epictetus [once said]: 'You bear God within you, poor wretch, and know it not.'"

Or in today's colloquialism, "Duh! God lives in you, you dimwit."

I went through this phase of finding God last year and learned a very valuable lesson: That God exists in the present moment. It is only through the portal of being fully present (and not immersed in our thoughts about the past or future)that one can have access to the Divine. And Truth or parts of the Truth can be revealed only in that state.

With this reminder and a good night's rest, I am in a better state of mind to read Matthew Chapter 3.

When the Pharisees and Sadducees came to be baptized of John, he declares: "O generation of vipers, who hath warned you to flee from the wrath to come? Bring forth therefore fruits meet for repentance."

This phrase makes me think of my baptismal covenant and the necessity of a daily dosage of repentance to be worthy of the promises that were made to me when I was baptized. My nightly prayers have become automatic, ritualistic, and insincere. I should take a few moments every night to reflect, evaluate and identify the aspects of my life that needs an extra shot of the present moment. :)

Here I go.