Before I went to bed last night, I tried to quiet the endless chatters of my mind before I offered the most sincere prayer I have given in a very long time. I thanked God for specific blessings I could think of and asked him to protect my family. And I tried to repent for all the bad things I did that day, but I really couldn't think of any except for maybe feeling irritated for being asked to do something I didn't want to do. Then I thought about the "right way" to repent as I have been taught in Sunday School. I have to feel Godly sorrow for my mistakes and have to have a change of heart. Frankly, I did not want to feel Godly sorrow for feeling irritable. Was I supposed to feel guilty about this? I was kind of getting ticked-off at the requirements of repentance. I can have a change of heart and resolve to be more kind in my thoughts but do I really have to beat myself up for it? I don't agree with this. But still, I was in the middle of prayer so I tried to dismiss this argument until the prayer was over. But the residual bitterness stayed as I offered my final words while Skepticism sat in the corner of my mind blowing cigar smoke my way.
Then something good happened. I tried meditating after saying my prayer. I closed my eyes and concentrated on my breathing, and repeated the mantra, Ham-sa, which means "I am That," over and over again until the internal chatters were replaced by a concentrated effort to empty my mind. I am really good at meditating for like 30 seconds. Which fortunately proved to be just enough for that night. I opened my eyes and felt a mist of peace showering down the room. I felt God in that present moment. And it reminded me that God is always there, wherever I am. He is constant in the backdrop of myriad variables of life. All I need to do is knock on the door of the present moment and enter.
I am much happier today. I have decided to not dwell on my past or future. I will try to stay present as much as I can.
Now, Matthew Chapter 4:
Jesus called Peter and Andrew "[a]nd they straightway left their nets, and followed him."
WOW. No "Who are you?," "What's your deal?" or "How can I trust you?" They just followed? I guess that's why Jesus chose fishers to be apostles and not lawyers. Humility is such a hard thing.
I was just thinking the other day about how to boost the level of my faith. In order to trust God, I need to know who God is. I need to know who it is that requires and receives my trust. Who is this God that beckons me to follow Him? And who is a better source than Jesus for me to learn more about God?
"25. And Jesus went about all Galilee, teaching in their synagogues, and preaching the gospel of the kingdom, and healing all manner of sickness and all manner of disease among the people.
24. And his fame went throughout all Syria: and they brought unto him all sick people that were taken with divers diseases and torments, and those which were possessed with devils, and those which were lunatick, and those that had the palsy; and he healed them.
25. And there followed him great multitudes of people from Galilee, and from Decapolis, and from Jerusalem, and from Judaea, and from beyond Jordan."
Jesus was a very nice man so God must be, too.