Monday, August 9, 2010

Spiritual Recovery: Day 1


I have been spiritually struggling the past year or so. It seems like life's metaphysical and epistemological questions regurgitate themselves every few years like a menstrual cycle. And I have been PMS-ing for a whole year.

I am not sure if it's any use to ask questions like: What in the world is really @#$%&! real? And how in the #$@*!@ world do I know what I know? I have been asking questions like these since I was 19 and I am still asking.

It's really physically and mentally exhausting to continuously ask such complicated questions especially as I relate them to my religious faith. So I laid these questions in the dungeon of my subconscious as if they didn't really matter and as if I could live happily without really addressing these questions. But I was really struggling internally. That went on for a year. Now my PMS has expired. I really have wrestle with these questions again and try to find answers satisfactory enough for them to go back to the dungeon until the time comes again.

During my sabbatical year from these philosophical questions, I also took a leave of mental absence from the spiritual and religious department. Now, I am trying to groove myself back in. But instead of taking the traditional route of thinking in circles forever, I decided to study the New Testament in search for Truth and blog about my spiritual experience/shift/awakening for 7 days.

Today is Day 1.

As I ride the bus to work, I feel depressed, sad and want to cry for no reason. I have Elizabeth Gilbert's book Eat, Pray, Love on my lap and wonder why my talents aren't recognized and why I am still poor. I struggle to get off the bus with my huge piece of luggage (I am house-sitting a friend's apartment for 3 weeks) feeling very sorry for myself that I don't have a hot boyfriend to help me carry this stupid thing, all the while questioning the meaning of my life. I grab a cab to take me to work. I arrive, sit on my chair and let out a sigh of relief.

Now, Matthew Chapter 1:

I am impressed by Joseph. How does he just wake up from a dream and accept the pregnant Mary as his wife? Just because an angel appeared in a dream? I wonder what his parents said about that. I wonder what my parents would say if I wanted to marry a pregnant man (if a man could be pregnant, that is). They would flip out for sure even if I told them that an angel told me to marry this man. Kudos to Joseph.

I think it takes a prodigious amount of faith and humility to do something so brave. Faith and humility go hand-in-hand but I realize that when you get crushed in life, usually faith goes down the toilet along with its buddy, humility.

I am trying to restore my faith and humility to surrender to the greater Omniscience in complete and absolute trust. It's an uphill struggle...

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