Monday, October 8, 2012

No meaning, no grandness

So, the on-camera acting class wasn't all that I hoped it would be. Maybe it was because it was a "mixed" class of beginning and advanced students, I wasn't all that impressed. Most of the stuff that were discussed in class where things I already learned in grad school but there were some things I learned about acting in front of a camera. When the camera is doing a bust shot or a close-up, you can't move around too much because you'll go out of the frame. But the basic acting stuff was the same although you don't have as much liberty with space as you do on stage and your movements don't have to be exaggerated. So, that was that.

As for work, I have an audition tomorrow for a production company. I will let you all know how that goes.

As for life, it's a little less exciting. I have been feeling depressed and keeping my head above water trying not to feel like a failure. I was thinking about the cause of all this. I think the depression and discouragement came from my expectation to live a grand, successful life with meaning. Meaning had to pave my way to success. Looking back, I feel I wasted so much time looking for meaning because what initially seemed meaningful felt less fulfilling as time went on. I always went back to square one when meaning seemed to dissipate over time.

So, today, I pondered on the possibility of no meaning and no grandness. What if there is no meaning in what I do, but how I do it? Then it doesn't matter what I do. I could collect garbage and do it meaningfully. If I loosened my grip on the neck of grandness and be content to be average, then the pressure would be off. If I decide to not be so significant, then all is well. I would be free from the pressure that paralyzed me.

Let's see how well this experiment goes.

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