Monday, October 8, 2012
No meaning, no grandness
As for work, I have an audition tomorrow for a production company. I will let you all know how that goes.
As for life, it's a little less exciting. I have been feeling depressed and keeping my head above water trying not to feel like a failure. I was thinking about the cause of all this. I think the depression and discouragement came from my expectation to live a grand, successful life with meaning. Meaning had to pave my way to success. Looking back, I feel I wasted so much time looking for meaning because what initially seemed meaningful felt less fulfilling as time went on. I always went back to square one when meaning seemed to dissipate over time.
So, today, I pondered on the possibility of no meaning and no grandness. What if there is no meaning in what I do, but how I do it? Then it doesn't matter what I do. I could collect garbage and do it meaningfully. If I loosened my grip on the neck of grandness and be content to be average, then the pressure would be off. If I decide to not be so significant, then all is well. I would be free from the pressure that paralyzed me.
Let's see how well this experiment goes.