No meaning, no grandness

So, the on-camera acting class wasn't all that I hoped it would be. Maybe it was because it was a "mixed" class of beginning and advanced students, I wasn't all that impressed. Most of the stuff that were discussed in class where things I already learned in grad school but there were some things I learned about acting in front of a camera. When the camera is doing a bust shot or a close-up, you can't move around too much because you'll go out of the frame. But the basic acting stuff was the same although you don't have as much liberty with space as you do on stage and your movements don't have to be exaggerated. So, that was that.

As for work, I have an audition tomorrow for a production company. I will let you all know how that goes.

As for life, it's a little less exciting. I have been feeling depressed and keeping my head above water trying not to feel like a failure. I was thinking about the cause of all this. I think the depression and discouragement came from my expectation to live a grand, successful life with meaning. Meaning had to pave my way to success. Looking back, I feel I wasted so much time looking for meaning because what initially seemed meaningful felt less fulfilling as time went on. I always went back to square one when meaning seemed to dissipate over time.

So, today, I pondered on the possibility of no meaning and no grandness. What if there is no meaning in what I do, but how I do it? Then it doesn't matter what I do. I could collect garbage and do it meaningfully. If I loosened my grip on the neck of grandness and be content to be average, then the pressure would be off. If I decide to not be so significant, then all is well. I would be free from the pressure that paralyzed me.

Let's see how well this experiment goes.

Success? What Success?

For the first time in fourteen years, I met up with a friend I hadn't seen since we graduated from high school. Funny how you can immediately go back in time and feel as though you were in high school just last year. We caught up on each other's life, mainly career and love.

She was a really smart girl in high school so I was surprised that she stopped at just getting an associate's degree. After college, she got a job, saved up and bought a house. I was impressed. I told her, "Wow, you've done really well for yourself," to which she replied, "Well, you've succeeded, too."

I blinked.

How was I successful, I asked. She said I had a master's degree. I laughed. It's interesting how people measure success. Maybe success lies on the greener grass of the other side.

Taking the road much traveled by

A couple of months ago, I had a gig interpreting for a Korean director working with Hollywood actors for an animated film. I attended the auditions, the decision-making, and the actual recording of the entire film (which was very entertaining and educational!). On the last day, the casting director paid me a compliment on my interpreting skills, said I had a potential to be a great director, and told me to give her a call if I ever wanted to become an actress. (Sometimes, I had to "act out" the subtle, understated acting of the director so that's probably where she saw the potential.)

So a month later, I sent her my resume and headshot and scheduled a phone meeting. She gave me some advice on how to go about doing things one of which was taking an acting class for TV and film since all of my acting has been on stage. She also gave me some websites to poke around in to start making connections and find an agent. She is also casting for a film in LA soon, and she said we can lunch and chat some more when she's in town (she's based in New York). Having worked with her, I could tell she really cared about the actors she knew and worked with so I felt like I could trust her.

I have been busy applying for a grant for some translation work and editing some chapters of a book, so I have been putting that off. But now that I am all done with it, I have scheduled to audit an acting class by a renowned acting coach in LA.

Frankly, I am scared to death of the entire prospect of forging a career in acting. If I think about it logically, there is nothing to be afraid of--I've got nothing to lose! But Hollywood is such a foreign place and I am scared to go alone. Auditioning for operas is nothing because I am familiar with it. Maybe it's because Hollywood seems so intimidating and I feel like I have to climb Mt. Everest to succeed. Maybe I am scared of the pressure I will put on myself. But I am gonna try. I know I'll regret it if I don't.

I am auditing the class tomorrow, so I will tell you all about it. (If anyone else wants to join me, holler! It would be less nerve-racking to have a nerve-racked buddy. :))